As the Sun Set
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As the Sun Set

As the sun set on this day five years ago in 2020, thoughts of your departure slowly began to set in. It was earlier in the afternoon that you left, a little after 3—3:15 PM, to be exact. As darkness settled, so did life without you begin, and as the night darkened, I found myself sitting in darkness, quietly hurting deep down within. As your pastor, I found myself starting to write your eulogy, but as your son, I found myself hurting and sitting quietly within.

Nothing prepares you for the loss of your mother; not funerals attended or eulogies that you have spoken and prepared before. As this truth set in, I found myself sitting quietly in darkness without the moon and starlight, slowly losing my ability to speak, profoundly hurting deep down within.

As the details of one chapter ended, those of another began because it was on to the next thing—planning your funeral—before my grieving could even begin. I remember my baby brother calling, and I could not take his call because I had no words. I felt as though I had let him and my older brother down. I had done my best to keep our mom here, and somehow, it was not enough. So, I began to sit quietly, deeply hurting in the dark, because there was no one who I felt at the time would understand, understand my questions, or even understand how the loss of you had made me feel. I found great comfort in the Lord God’s counsel and am so grateful that He was there. Very few understand the profound impact your absence and this grief journey have had on my life, and I will be forever grateful to God for the blessing of being able to call these treasured friends. They listened when I couldn’t talk and understood without me saying a word. At times, I have felt so guilty for not being able to give them that in return. Friendship, love, honor, and respect have always been of great importance to me, and I am so grateful to God for His select few who understood what I needed and backed me when I needed them most.

I’ve cried, wept deeply, and could not sleep nor feel the sun on my skin, and at times, I sat so quietly in darkness, deeply hurting deep down from within.

Grief is a transformational process that has left me with many emerging perspective nuggets and truths. As the layers have unfolded, I have found myself becoming who, what, when, and, sometimes, the only hope was to trust the Lord God for the reason why.

The grief journey is a journey of exploration, and as you sail its oceans, the wind within your sail is what moves your ship. I have found a few fundamental truths to be necessary for your journey, and perhaps they can help you as they have helped me navigate the waterways and paths of grief:

One is that you can’t keep bottled up inside what needs to be poured out, and the second is that grief is a deeply personal journey that is unique to us all in its own way.

Love carries with it the weight of grief, and as we navigate through life, we invest in precious memories that will one day serve as a source of comfort in our sorrow. In times of grief, we gently reach into the depths of our memory bank, drawing upon the sentimental treasures stored in our hearts. Through this process, we often unearth unexpected strength and resilience, helping us to heal and honor the love we’ve experienced.

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